78. Only Now am I Realizing How Exhausting This Truly Is.

I know it’s quite irrational, but at the worst of my eating disorder (and the year after) i had this rather extensive fear of what i considered to be solid foods. I was okay with liquids and frozen foods (since they were liquids at room temperature), but solid foods – especially those that would retain water and cause me to bloat (even for a day or two) were a fear. I stopped eating some of my favorite foods like sushi and pizza for quite some time because of this – realizing that i’d had pizza crust which (when followed by a glass of water) made me gain water weight due to the crust absorbing such, or realizing that the rice was sitting in my digestive tract for days. Living off of liquids for weeks at a time allowed for my weight loss to be a lot more apparent, and it seemed as though it kicked my body into starvation mode a lot quicker as well.

Now that i’m trying to eat – eat consistently and healthily (i try hard to pretend i’m eating healthily haha) – i find myself facing urges every step of the way. Every time i have a bite of food, i find myself thinking about how it’s going to lead to weight gain. Every time i have a food that’s not a liquid- pretty frequently now – I end up thinking about the consequences it’ll have on my body….how the food will weigh me down, and how the sodium will cause me to retain water. These thoughts getting the best of me is what has caused me to binge these past few episodes, so i’m trying me best to make peace with the chaos i feel surrounding food.

It’s just so exhausting and frustrating, having to justify every bite that i have. As i write this, i’m having tomato lentil snaps since i was craving a little snalty snack and was feeling munchy – which i told myself over and over i shouldn’t have – first because the sodium would cause me to retain water, then because i’ve been too unhealthy recently, and last because eating before bed has been correlated to worsening sleeping habits. I just sucked it up and started eating them because i wanted to eat something, but now i can’t and that ‘no fucks given’ attitude that i find myself having when i force myself to eat is risky territory. I feel like i have to force myself into such a mentality, as i otherwise wouldn’t be eating at all.

I’ve come to realize that i’ll always feel ambivalence surrounding my eating disorder, so if i sit around and wait until i feel ready and comfortable to pursue recovery, i’ll be sitting around waiting for my health and declining health. I actually made a post about this on my other blog:

You can’t wait until you’re ready to recover from your eating disorder.

Forcing people into treatment isn’t effective, but there come a time where you have to force yourself to pursue recovery – in a sense, you have to ‘fake it till you make it’. Most addictions leave addicts wishing they had the ability to pursue recovery (by definition they cannot merely stop their addiction of choice) due to the destruction their addiction has caused, but the difference with eating disordered individuals is the ambivalence often felt surrounding recovery. More often than not, people with eating disorders hold onto their disorders for dear life, making the act of ‘letting go’ quite complex in the recovery process.

So if you wait for that to simply fall into your lap – when in reality it’s something you may find towards the end of your recovery process – you’re quite literally waiting for something that will likely never come. People with eating disorders tend to feel ambivalence or resistance in recovering from their disorder – not openness to recovery. So by saying you’re waiting to feel ‘ready’ to recover, you’re really just putting off ever truly recovering.

Recovery is hard – so it’s understandable why most don’t want to give up a socially acceptable/encouraged destructive coping mechanism to avoid dealing with the reality of how much your life sucks, what troubles you, etc. However, unless you want to continue being tortured by the eating disorder, you have to get over that hump of resistance/ambivalence by simply white knuckling the situation, and going forward. It may sound harsh and cruel, but the reality of living with an eating disorder for the rest of your life is a lot more harsh.  I feel like for most people, death/health complications beyond repair supersede being ready for recovery.

Such a strong part of me wants to go back to restricting, as life just feels easier – naturally more stable and secure. It’s such a chaotic conflict in my mind. I miss the solace, seeming stability and pleasure it brought me – and especially the feelings of competence, since i feel incapable in every other aspect of my life right now….and even more than before.

61. Understanding and Patience in the Context of Relationships Effected by Mental Health

He said that if my eating disorder caused me to reach a low weight, it would be a deal breaker for our relationship and that things would end.

Realistically? That is going to happen. Recovery isn’t a straight and narrow path, including numerous relapses and steps thereafter, but he made it quite clear to me that he wasn’t willing to support me through my disorder, merely because of my body’s relationship with gravity; merely because of the extreme self loathing i already put myself through on a daily basis – as if torturing myself alone wasn’t enough.

I’m going to relapse at some point, and if we’re in a relationship that means he’s going to dump me. So i might as well just go back to eating nothing and being a skeleton that nobody wants to fuck since it’s the eventual end anyways – why not merely endure it sooner than later?

I can’t wait until i’m back to the double digits. I am fucking repulsive and i’m sick of being worthless to everybody in my life. If people view my weight as a ‘make or break’ deal in the relationship, then i guess i’m going to die of my eating disorder alone. I don’t give a flying fuck.

I’m going to go binge – willing and consciously – so that i can go for a prolonged period of time fasting to get rid of this weight i worked so hard to gain. I’m a abusive piece of shit, and getting better for somebody who doesn’t support me throughout my disorder (only through the easy and positive parts) doesn’t give a shit either.

So why should i. Why should i give a shit about a man who claimed to have physical heart break over our relationship, yet is already dating one women, and on top of that pursuing another – buying her Valentine’s Day gifts when i have his sitting here from months ago. Crying when i think about the fact i’ll likely never give them to him.

All that hard work down the drain? I don’t give a flying fuck as being this alone is fucking miserable which nobody seems to understand. There is NO quality of life, when your day to day happenings include going to class, doing your homework alone in your dorm room, then sitting in your bed eating until you want to gauge your eyes out watching Netflix, ironically unable to sleep so you just keep eating – causing you to hate yourself more.

I’m miserable. I hate my body. I hate my relationship. I hate my education. I hate my social life. I hate my parents. I had my future prospects. I hate my grades. I hate my mentality.

It’s this, or death. I have nothing else to live for at this point. I give myself three days.

60. The Eye Of The Storm

It’s odd. Every morning i wake up with such bad thoughts surrounding food – the eating disordered ones that is. But by the end of the day, i’ve come to tolerate the anxiety (which is well documented; if you still with a high level of anxiety it eventually goes down and becomes bearable). I’m still engaging in behaviors like weighing myself entirely much more than i should, but my weight is back into the healthy range for my height (110), and it’s been there all week – meaning it’s not merely a matter of bloating, digestion, or dehydration. I’m finding that by the end of the day, my anxiety subsides enough for me to eat calorie dense foods, which is what i’m currently eating. It’s odd, because while it’s still irking me, not enough to send me into a full blown binge. The more i’m forcing myself to stick with this, the easier it’s getting. Day by day.

There’s an eating disorder support group i plan on attending tomorrow before my therapy session (which god am i fucking looking forward to as i have to much to process after these past few days), and i hope that i get something worthwhile out of it. If not, it’s still a helpful trip for me because it gets me out of my dorm, and i can leave early to the library (where it’s held) to focus on getting some more school work done, as i have to memorize all the areas of the brain, as well as study the psychopharmacology of anxiety disorders, depressive disorders, bipolar disorders and alternative treatments… on top of writing 2 papers. Sounds fun eh? Wanna join?

I made a small shopping spree as i was feeling lonely, isolated, and depressed today. So i used the little money i had left to get some groceries (and it ended up turning into a munchie-trip). I was delighted to see that the gluten-free limited edition waffles i adore were STILL being sold, as they’re no longer limited edition! I’m proud of myself for buying food that i normally wouldn’t eat – most of which were fear foods, as they would normally cause binges in the past (waffles, pasta,Starbursts chips, etc.). Like i said, they’re just munchie foods to get me through the week. I have a meal plan on campus i’ve been taking advantage of, as well as plenty of food already in my dorm room.

I’m proud of myself for eating, but i’m confused by the fact that i’m no longer experiencing such devastating emotional reactions to eating – like i used to/had for the past four years. Yes i’m still experiencing anxiety and compulsive urges, but they’re much more subtle and manageable than they have been.

It was hard to accept, but i may not be able to handle a live-in nanny position like my therapist and i thought would be a great idea this summer (to avoid moving back in with my parents or my ex if we worked things out), because my summer course schedule quite frankly doesn’t align with the job requirements. So i don’t know what i’m going to do, but until then, i’m going to work odds and end babysitting jobs (as it would still give me not only a great source of income and something positive/productive to do with my time, but it would also be a great way of me learning what healthy families function like). Since i can’t really be a full time nanny with my course load this semester, I joined Care.com and have been in contact with this family that just seems perfect, as they’re looking for somebody to help with their boys for the weekends. I’ve been placing applications for part time nanny jobs, as well as a few mental-health related ones (such as going out with a 23 year old female, meeting at Starbucks, etc. a few times a week to help her with her social anxiety), which i didn’t know was a sub-sect of Care.com! I’d adore either of the positions, but i’ve found a few ideal ones and i’m keeping my fingers crossed. I’m also calling the woman tomorrow about the weekend position, but i’m hesitant as her boys are two 5 year old autistic children.

I did just come across a site strictly for Nannys – ideal since Care.com makes it hard to find live-in nanny and they’re more so geard towards babysitting. Hopefully i can do some babysitting to put on my resume, for when i apply on the Nanny website. I don’t want to rule it out as an option, but it would be a challenging one. There is one couple who’s open for the idea of a work dynamic ranging from part time babysitting, to a full time live in nanny, so i’ve been contemplating messaging them!

I also contacted my old place of employment as i never received my disability app and they said they would call me -discerning since i haven’t been able to get a phone charger for days. I just hope i can get compensation for the time i was out, and the 26 weeks unemployment still as my night-shift has since been terminated within the company. I need to be more pro-active with that. Regardless i’m proud of taking the initiative to find a more appropriator job with my mental health situation (one that i feel like i’ll find rewarding at that!)

Oh. And even though i’ve been cutting corners like crazy (and i am STRINGENT AS FUCK with money) i’ve literally spent half of the 3,000 i had saved up, that was left over from my car deposit. So i’m freaking out and i’ve realized that i need to somehow force myself to get a job – even if at a minimal standard. Seeing how babysitting is often off the books, it’s perfect. I have thi compulsion around saving money and just watching it go go go go while my credit card bill goes up up up drives me nuts – especially since i was a self-sufficient woman a few months ago, paying her own cell phone bill, paying for her own car, gas, food, etc., and now i can barely pay for my own food, let alone the others.

I also decided this morning that i wanted to start working on the skeleton of what i hope will one day be a memoir, but for now i need to focus on my homework.

Fingers crossed! Time to go crash.

Oh wait. 5 minutes after this post i binged on an entire ball of mozzarella cheese. I haven’t binged – truly binged – in days. I was so proud of myself for eating normally but not binging. There goes that. Back to day one. Merely means i have an even higher goal to obtain now- instead of 5/6 days, i now have to hit 7 days binge free while eating healthy.

59. Acceptance, Yet Again.

It hurts to accept that things may be changing, or that they may not be changing at all. It hurts to accept that i’ve poured myself into this relationship, and swore my soul into it; swore that i wouldn’t see another person if this relationship were to end. It hurts to accept that i may not have a place a live if i choose to refuse living with my parents this summer, and it hurts to feel all of this so intensely – so vividly. I can’t help but play these memories over and over of us in my mind, which only makes things ten times worse as mental imagery of any given event makes emotion more intense. I know this, yet i still put myself through the torture.

You claimed that you worked on communication, boundaries, and all the things we ended up talking about – and it seemed like you had – until actually presented with a challenge. You told me about your progress and the women you so willingly accepted into your life romantically – such a slap in the face after telling me how much your heart ached, and how much our housemates now despised me due to our break up (ironic since you were the one insisting on us staying separate when i tried to mend things). For once you actually told me what was on your mind, and the things that you felt as though needed to be worked on – you were honest and critical, something you had never been before.

But it’s not as though anything about that interaction was anything like the ones we’ve had in the past – it was awkward, guarded, forced, and just so fucking in-genuine. You were down for trying things “one last time” – but only under that the condition that my weight didn’t get too low “because it made you worry”. Yet even though i’ve dealt with so many feigned neurological symptoms and syndromes, too guilty to ever confront or pursue the truth, i have to be told that the status of my eating disorder related health is in my weight, and that our relationship status would be dependent upon such?

Utter bullshit. Everything about this is utter bullshit but i can’t stop sobbing about it – grieving it. I just want him back, and it was so painful, not being able to snuggle up next to him or hug him during the time we talked yesterday, It’s a natural inclination for me when i’m around him, and it likely always will be.

58. Night Terrors, Depression, and Horny Men.

I’ve been getting nightmares every night – but not the kind you can easily blow over a your brain flipping through irrational thoughts. The kind that are so realistic and project both past events and emotions so accurately that i wake up unsure whether to cry or vomit. I can’t get the one two days ago out of my head.

I’m so gross – i’ve been putting off showering as i don’t want to admit that i’ve gained weight, and for some reason, showering is a part of doing that.

My spring break is this coming week/weekend, meaning i’ll have to go back my parent’s house – aka, i lock myself in my room, and do homework for a week. Thinking about it makes me want to cry.

I woke up in a great and horrific mood, all at once. It didn’t help that this boy i’ve been trying to be great friends with keeps trying to be sexual with me, which i just don’t want. Nearly every male i try to be friends with is like that, which makes me not want to pursue friendships at all. When he asked to hang out, he literally just assumed i’d want to make out with him. I’ll stick to making bad life choices instead of being with people like this, thankssss.

57. Deal Breakers.

Of everything today, one thing stood out to me. One illogical stupid fucking thing.

When i asked him if my status in recovery from my eating disorder would make or break our relationship he simply responded with “yes but no”. When i looked at him confused, he responded with “well, only if you weren’t a low weight because then i’d be worried all the time”.

Talk about a punch in the face.

2 things on Tumblr made me think of him this week (which i assumed he was checking along with all my other social networking accounts, and i was right there):

if you miss someone who does not miss you, or who is no good for you, or is unattainable, take all the love you once felt for them and spread it around other places. put your love in worthwhile people and things, turn the romance in to passions for hobbies or admiration for others- enrich your own life. focus on yourself and those who actively make you happy.

and

“I took your words in like heroine and got addicted to the sound and it seemed like only seconds before I was withdrawing without your taste”

56. You Don’t Realize How Ill You Are, Until Recovery.

The National Women’s Study reported a lifetime prevalence of PTSD in 36.9% of women with bulimia nervosa (BN), in 21.0% of women with binge eating disorder (BED), and 11.8% in women with no eating disorder (1). The prevalence of PTSD in clinical samples of individuals with anorexia nervosa (AN) has been estimated at 10% (5) and 47% (4). Furthermore, some studies have found that traumatic events are more commonly associated with BN and AN binge-purge type than with AN restricting type (6, 7). Typically, the lifetime prevalence of PTSD is lower in individuals with eating disorders ascertained from the community than those ascertained in inpatient treatment facilities. (Source)

I skipped my class this morning due to how nauseous i was. I tried to console a friend which backfired, trying to find comfort in a close friend which also just completely backfired. So i ended up nauseous and emotional in my bed, sobbing in a burrito of Hello Kitty blankets, watching Netflix. I think i did my fair share of feeling for the day, and especially after the nightmares i had last night which were incredibly vivid. They were depicting the things i’d decided to open up to my therapy group about – trips of being dragged to the hospital….except brains being brains and being so lovely, DMT had to come along and it some distorted illogical twists. Anyways.

I think one – of the many – reasons i’ve had a hard time letting go of my eating disorder is just the simple fact that it’s provided me with so many feelings of safety and security. Albeit those feelings came about in the most illogical of ways, but they came about through series of events, which i only recently came to realize are deeply rooted in my upbringing; up until recently i saw my childhood as a minute factor.

I think my experiences growing up were about 75% of what caused my eating disorder – set the stage per say. At the time however, there were a number of things spiraling out of control for me.

For a very long time, i found solace and comfort in religion – knowing that there was a higher deity taking care of me was comforting. It helped me to get along, and at that point in my life with little to no support, perhaps that was exactly what i needed, However, eventually the church’s beliefs became too much.

I’ve written in passing about having negative experiences sexually – i logically know from training that they’re sexual assaults but like my other experiences with abuse hate calling them such. After experiencing such, i felt this odd disconnection from my body – i remember my experiences becoming rather horrific after that period of time. I sought more solace in the church too embarrassed to say anything (because they would accuse me of being sexual and therefore sinning), using generalities and praying my heart out yet nothing changed. They continually told me that things happened for a reason, and that God never gave me anything i couldn’t handle for a reason – that he was only giving me things to test my faith in him and my strength. Those beliefs are what ended my belief in the Judeo-Christian concept of God as a whole, as i could never conceive of such a God. I couldn’t comprehend a God that would allow for me to be assaulted and feel so violated, let alone the other atrocities in the world.

The man involved in that interaction was obsessed with the curvature of my body, and i’ve come to see my hourglass as representing my sexuality as i have an hourglass figure. At a higher weight (i was 150 around this time – i’m currently bouncing between 100-115), it was much more pronounced, and i used to have a lot of horny teenage boys apparently attracted to my figure. I just came to accept my curves as my sexuality – as if they were and would always be one. In my current experiences with sexuality, that still is the same thing. I objectify myself.

I remember being really ill and going to a work event with my boyfriend, just hanging around the mall while he worked. One of his coworkers saw me after he had pointed me out, and asked him how he fucked a skeleton. I was so repulsed by that statement, but i still feel so conflicted due to how much repulsion i feel by the mere existence of fat around my waist. It’s not that i think it’s unattractive for i didn’t ever think i was fat or ugly. I hate what it represents, during the final moments of my undoing for lack of a more insanely dramatic description.

I didn’t hate my body after that, but i just didn’t feel like i was in my skin and i remember wanting to be able to talk desperately about what happened. When i first remembered/realized everything that happened i remember being on the phone with a friend V, and having him just console me over and over letting me that he had experienced the same with one of the two individuals who assaulted me. That i wasn’t alone in that experience.

Two years ago in my relationship with F (my ex-boyfriend…..he’s mentioned a lot in these posts so i’ll just call him that) became overwhelmed by my small obsession with mental imagery i had from that night – i just couldn’t get it out of my head. It was cyclical and as though a video reel was being played behind my eyes without any out of control, but it didn’t actually take over my field of vision, so it was merely playing in my mind over and over. I tried so hard to express to him how painful it was to experience that, but it didn’t seem to really understand why i couldn’t express it all to him. I felt like smashing my head against the wall – just anything – to get it out of my fucking head.

Things felt so cyclical and like they were truly spiraling in the most cliche of senses when i came across a pro-ana website, and started losing weight. I’m trying to de-tangle all of this, but it’s hard when everything feels so fuzzy and like such a hot mess.

Better than it was before, but still a mess. I really didn’t realize how ill i was, until i started trying to sincerely trying to sort all of this out. I’m trying to hold onto hope that eventually things will eventually get easier, because i don’t know how much longer i can cope with my brain doing this to me. I only have so much tolerance for bullshit, and it’s being pushed rather far here. Granted i know that mental health isn’t bullshit, but often times with how much i gas light myself it often feels like it.

“Change happens only if you put in the effort to make it happen.”

55. Food Frustrations

I’m incredibly frustrated with my situation right now – for the past week or two, i’ve been trying to challenge myself, having fear foods (i’ve been having slices of bread for these past two days as my friends made me gluten-free corn bread, i had two omelettes with cheese and spices, etc.) and trying to eat more. I have a fear of solid foods, and i’ve been working hard to not also weigh myself daily – another habitual disordered behavior of mine. It’s been hard, but that’s been emotional.

Physically it’s also been challenging. Since the end of November or so, i started having stomach problems. I’ve been suspected of having a gluten sensitivity/Celiac’s (which i need to get confirmed if i want to go into IOP/IP for my eating disorder) in the past, but literally all of the stomach problems i have go away when i don’t eat gluten. After November, something went wrong.

I was in a car accident that gave me horrific migraines lasting days on end, so i went from being holistic and taking Advil as a last resort, to popping it like candy in an effort to maintain my job and stable income. I suspect that’s where this started, but it’s also possible that my eating disorder made me more susceptible. Soon enough i started getting pains in my upper left abdomen (to the point where my boyfriend at the time was worried i’d had a hear attack; my pain tolerance is CRAZY high), nausea that was incredibly persistent, and problems in the restroom. The nausea was so bad that i went going to work sitting next to garbage pans in case i hurled, and the pain was excruciating at best when it hit.

I at first thought it was food poisoning when it began, but eventually realized that it was persistent. I tried everything that usually helps me (like ginger and peppermint for nausea, probiotics to regulate my digestion, etc), but everything just seemed to make it worse. So i tried going on a alkaline diet which helped a lot of my symptoms and decided to see a doctor after the pain became unbearable, causing me to head to a Mediexpress one morning before work. I went to my GI doctor, who thought it may be stomach acid or a problem with my organs They also gave me Nexium which didn’t help (i didn’t think they would since i’ve never burped in my life, so if anything it’s got to be low stomach acid….). I went back a week later when the medication didn’t work, and they ordered me an increased dose. They did an abdominal ultrasound, and since that came normal they said that they would have to start ruling things out.

When the dosage increase didn’t help i went back again and my doctor wasn’t available, so i saw another, who merely gave me Zofan and a different anti-acid medication; knowing that i suffered from an eating disorder, she suggested that it was due to my depression, and anxiety. Odd, since my eating disorder was more likely the culprit given the scenario. They did blood-work, to rule out autoimmune disorders, and food intolerances.

After that all came back normal, i had to go to yet another doctor to consult with, and schedule an endoscopy. The results came back a mild gastritis, but i told them that i had been following a really bland diet – one that would minimize the inflammation as it’s incredibly debilitating to feel like you’re going to hurl 24/7, and being in stomach pain, diarrhea, etc. Don’t get me wrong – i’m open to the idea that it’s depression and/or anxiety – but they’ve yet to show me any proof that it’s such, so i’m hesitant to accept it as the answer for this particular problem. Especially since my results did come back as gastritis – and that’s after such a bland diet had me feeling better for weeks. They called me the next week, telling me that there was nothing cancerous in my stomachs, that they had given me more Zofran (not the sub-lingual but instead the pill – which works 10x less in comparison) and that they would put me Dexilant to help my stomach lining. It hasn’t helped, and anytime i try to eat a somewhat normalized diet – by having a small portion of mac and cheese for example – i tend to feel horribly ill. It really doesn’t help me, in trying to eat more and recover from my eating disorder.

This is all just so incredibly frustrating. I’m reading a lot online about gastritis and the different diet that people have found helpful, so i’m going to see if such helps in my situation as well. I’m just sick of the fucking nausea. The sub-lingual Zofran was a god-send and the pills barely work at all.

54. I Miss You & The Idea of You.

I miss you, and it’s frustrating a i can’t vocalize to people the reasons as to why i loved you before things went sour. The ways in which you brought out the best in me, supported me in my pursuits, helped me to address how my parents were treating me, and explore me sexuality, Your touch was something different, something both electric and something soothing….while now it feels both foreign and soothing  Everybody seems to dislike the idea of you, which makes me want to latch onto you more. They say they understand, and it’s not that i doubt they do. Especially with how toxic things became, as my disorder became so horrific.

I just want to explain that to people – that if we both work on ourselves and become healthy, maybe things can work, maybe they could have a chance.

I hate myself, as if this was something i could see coming – something i could fix. I just want so badly for things to work, even though realistically knowing the both of us, there is such a small chance of such happening. I’m holding onto that small fraction, when i should be embracing this change and moving on with my life.

So many people in my life i don’t think understand the intensity of my emotions, and how it is for me to experience them while being alone.

I hate how everybody hates the idea of us, and i hate how when i talk about even talking to him everybody scolds me like i’m a child who should know better. If everybody has such an easier time making healthy decisions for themselves, well then great for them – they should show me how the fuck they do it because i’ve been trying to figure out for years how they do.

My friend E? I tell her I’m talking to Farid and she flips out asking why i’d do such a thing – just after getting back with her boyfriend (10/12 years older than her) who has been on and off with her for years. She’s merely known us for 2 or 3 months, and she’s not one for talk. I know it’s a matter of perspective but i feel like everybody talks down to me and  as though people without BPD don’t realize how fucking hard it is making it day to day with these emotions. Let alone the intense emotions that come along with a rocky and confusing first long-term breakup.

53. Associations

There are such a number of associations, i am only beginning to recognize. I think deep down i at least  made connection between one or two of them – but intellectualization i a wicked strong defense mechanism.

I feel like i’ve completely lost the ability to focus recently, which is worse off as i have a ton of reading and a presentation due Tuesday. I have a root canal, but i’m not particularly looking forward to that

My association with food though are just off the wall – the number of things i associate with the mere act of consuming energy to keep myself alive – is insane. Literally, i usually don’t feel my emotion a majority of the time, which i’m coming to realize may be PTSD. Like i said in my last post, it’s alarming how many of the symptoms i fit for such (alarming as in a denial sort of way; anybody who gets to know me on an intimate level likely isn’t hocked), and i tend to not really be in touch with my emotions. But when i’m eating i am – and ten fold when i’m binging. When i’m binging it feels as though every negative feeling i’ve felt collectively comes forth and overwhelms me. The physiological reaction i have during such is absolutely absurd. I can’t wait for the day during which i don’t react to emotions with such extremes and especially with physiological reactions. It’s going to take a lot of work, but i really do want to get there.

Eating has just been……hard. I’ve come to find however, that talking has made it feel much more organic in the past – as if opening up about the thing i’ve experienced in my life is making me more open to the idea of eating. I feel so conflicted – i want to get better and lead this fulfilling life in which i go back to appreciating and enjoying food, but at the same time i’m terrified of what lies ahead if i abandon the one coping skill i’ve managed to hold onto. Self harm really isn’t something i engage in – but it’s likely something that will start up if the eating disorder subsides. I need to have more faith in myself, but it’s just so hard when i view myself so poorly.

Hell, i’m sitting here just eating cornbread with butter trying to hit 1,400 calories, and every bite feel like a battle. It doesn’t feel natural for me to eat. It feels natural for me to control, calculate,  I emotionally can’t wrap my brain around the fact that living is still such a hard concept for me, but it is. It is, and i want to get over it, so i can move onto enjoying the positive aspect of life, which i feel as though i’ve largely missed out on and only had glimpses into due to my disorder.

Perspective can be everything.

I’m really rethinking my perspective of my participation in the BDSM community now that i’ve taken a break of sorts from it; when my boyfriend and i broke up, i deactivated my networking account for such, as it had that association with him. I go back and forth a lot, a to whether to believe that my interest in such activities are based in trauma, or just in a genuine pleasure – if such is even possible. I’ve read (being me) interesting pieces of evidence for both sides, but i’ve come to find that much unlike my assumption of myself, it was not something that i only had an interest in when i was episodic, or in a certain head space, It was something i enjoyed all the time, and with any of the partners i was with, in one capacity or another. The DSM recently changed the criteria for a fetish to be something that interferes with one’s ability to properly function – which i think is a good thing – but again, i go back and forth as to whether or not my interest are based in trauma.

When i found the community i thought it would be one riddled with unhealthy individuals – ones with mental illnesses that is. While there were a few individuals there with mental health issues (which you in a sense have to be a bit more open about, with this sort of sexual activity), but not more than the 20-30% that you would find in your everyday setting. People were merely more open about it, as it was a BDSM community…..so people are generally also a lot more open about things as a whole. Now that my boyfriend and i have broken up, he’s “taken” that group of friends as he’s known them longer than i have, volunteers at events, and goes more consistently. There are 2/3 people i still talk to from that group, but from what he’s told me about how he spoke about our breakup, i don’t think that people will think too kindly of me.

It’s interesting, how he has the ability to make me think that people think so highly of me, then suddenly demonizes me when we break up. Or maybe that’e me. Or maybe a combination of the two. He definitely did lie about what he said concerning the break-up (it seems like for attention/soothing), and he definitely did disclose really personal information that makes me too ashamed to ever see that group of individuals again. He’s also done it with professors, but the sad thing is that i can’t avoid one of the particular professors he’s done it with.

I don’t know why, but i feel so much embarrassment and shame with my sexuality – which merely compacted with the induction of BDSM. I’m very liberal in my thinking but very conservative in what i say, so i’m trying to find a middle ground with the two. Again, which is also hard, considering that the BDSM i participate in tends to be on the more extreme end – but not because of my dichotomous thinking….and instead more so because my pain thresh-hold is so high that it takes a lot to stimulate a reaction out of me. When you look up the associations between BPD and pain tolerance, it’s fascinating.

Time to go ‘do my homework’ – aka, go to another blogging platform and watch cute cat video and reorganize my entire dorm room in an effort to not do my homework.