52. It Really Bothers Me

It really bothers me when people lack the ability to think critically/logically. People can be so deluded.

It really bothers me how much i meet the criterion for PTSD.

It really bothers me how much i weigh.

It really bothers me how much i eat.

It really bothers me how poorly i’m doing in neuropsychology.

It really bothers me how much i hate my life.

It really bothers me that i’m not a better person.

It really bothers me that i didn’t save up more money.

It really bothers me that i can’t sleep.

It really bothers me that nobody brings me joy – rarely so.

It really bothers me that i’m so bothered by all of this.

so bothered.

51. Risky Business

Incase binging wasn’t enough to make me suicidal and hurt myself, I ended up having sex with my ex. And binging at his apartment (which throws off my entire coming day- which is jam packed with things). I drove in risky-ish weather at 11 at night just to fuck him all night, and we had a really intense conversation that morning. Apparently he misses me, and it seems a lot more than I miss him- although I still cry over him these days.

if any of you ever see me in persoNn please do slap me. The last thing I needed was this complexity. I’m fully capable of having no strings attached sex, but before It this morning he was already becoming more emotionally available to me. I asked before I came down if he was sure that he would be capable of doing that knowing how he doesn’t know how to maintain boundaries. Yet I was foolish and craving sex – with him specifically (as I was ironically telling my room materday afternoon) so I did.

The fact that I saw I was 115 yesterday- more than I’d been in years – didn’t help the impulsive thinking.

Radical acceptance. Radical acceptance.

50. No more. Never again. Never fucking again.

I’m so fucking bloody sick of eating it’s driving me insane. Every time i eat i binge and it just makes things so much worse, so it’s easier to just not eat at all.

I was 103/104 pounds on 2/18, and by 2/20 i was 110. Today — on 23/3, I’m 115. I just keep going up and up from there and i have no interest in it. I have no interest in eating if it makes me feel this horrendous every time as i can’t focus. I can’t do my school work and i don’t want to drop out my last semester with everything that i have going for me. I’d rather be skinny and succeeding and miserable around food, than binging, broke over binging, unstable, and a failure at school.

I hate thinking like this – it’s so hard to counteract. I edited this post to try to balance out my writing with more rational responses to this but i just don’t think rationally when it comes to weight gain. All i can think about is 110. 110. 110.

49. Since i Just Finished Binging…

I figured it would be functional for me to make a post. I tried being healthy by having a gluten-free macaroni and cheese for lunch, which was hard with how screwy my sleep schedule has been. It’s always hard – for anyone – to eat properly when their insomnia keeps them up until 5 in the morning, but for me it’s hard to wake up and resume with an even seemingly normal eating schedule. I tried so hard, after going grocery shopping last night and getting so many ‘fear foods’, as well as a lot of protein packed foods as i know that i’ve been lacking in such lately (and consuming entirely too much sugar).

I can’t stop binge eating these days, which is why i’m contemplating starting the Naltrexone again. It’s all so cyclical for me – the more i engage in the behavior, the more i want it. I try as hard as i can to stop it through whatever means i can but nothing seems to work. Until i stop this behavior to focus enough in therapy on learning more effective skills and getting to the root of my disorder, it’s all so cyclical and useless.

I feel so vile – as though i’ve betrayed my true goals. I just want to lose this weight, as i was 103 a mere week or two ago, and now i’m 110/111. It’s infuriating, as that was the weight i was when i came to campus. It felt so good to finally be succeeding in something – to finally be losing weight. It’s the only thing i’ve cared about since the break up with my boyfriend, and the only thing i’ve felt comfort in.

After eating, i find such a large amount of rage boiling up inside of me that it triggers these massive episodes of rage – rather leading to me self injuring, or continuing to binge. Sometimes i’ll have the option of taking a sleep aid and resting if my emotions become intolerable, but i usually make the effort to sit them through….always ending poorly.

Right now, i just have the urge to take laxatives to empty myself of all the disgusting food i just consumed (which was unavoidable with how nauseous the Viibryd has made me these past few days), and living off of liquids again. I need a root canal so until then i’m going to be sensitive to anything cold – which i know will make my consumption of such even less. I keep wanting to go back to that anorectic lifestyle – the one of not needing, feeling as though i’ll wisp away in the wind. Feeling as though i’m wasting away, for that brings me these feelings of safety – safety from attack (which is quite ironic when you think about it….which ultimately lead back to control, and my sexual experiences in high school). My brain is just telling me to consume liquids, to watch my weight drastically drop doing whatever that takes),

I can tell i’ve gained weight which is how i know my scale is also not broken – my face looks a bit fuller. I also tried another scale.

When i feel like this, i just want soothing. Soothing, validation, security, and relaxation. All the things i never had growing up in my relationship with my parents, which i’ve been conditioned to never find from others, and therefore search for in others. Never having found that in others due to my unhealthy attachment styles, i came to find it in food. It’s a rarity that i find those things in my day to day life, but i do often find them during the process of eating – returning as a tsunami the second i put the fork down.

I want that back, and this is when my ambivalence gets the best of me, tipping in the worst of possible directions. I just want to be fucking emaciated again, because the drastic angular jutting of my hip bones brings me this sense of relief, knowing that i’m finally doing something right. Often subconsciously i find my hands navigating to the hallows of my collar–bones, reminding me that i still do have something left – some weight loss left from the 150 pound girl i once was. Looking at the 111 pounds gleaming back at me this morning though, it’s hard to accept the fact that it’s not that far.

I need to weigh myself less – and i was thinking about taking my scale, to write a positive quote on it (like i did with my other). It helped me to weigh myself less. No, i’m going to start going that. My goal for this week is to only weigh myself once this week, and to try to better regulate my sleep. If i can get myself down to weighing myself once a week then i’ll contemplate getting rid of my scale. Okay that was a huge leap of faith.

48. Weighed Down by Weightlessness

I literally gained 8 pounds over the course of a night a few weeks ago, and i cannot lose it. I took a medication that’s notorious for bloating and weight problems for a few days back then, but i doubt it’s that medication…..i’ve been trying to rectify the problem but NOTHING has helped and it’s been absolutely infuriating! My intake doesn’t equate to such a gain, nor does my lifestyle habits. It’s inexplicable. *Enter anxiety attack here* No seriously, i’ve been panicking over this for weeks now.

Ever since trying to eat a more normalized diet, it’s only gotten worse. Ever since getting an upset stomach, it’s only gotten worse. So it went up to 11 pounds gain.

ALL OVER THE COURSE OF TWO WEEKS. I’m on the verge of a fucking meltdown over this.

I need to lose it, but i keep getting sick and the only way to soothe my stomach is to eat solid food, and eating solid foods makes me gain weight and gaining weight makes me binge and it’s a never ending cycle. So i have to endure this until i can get better and lose the weight again, getting back down to 103 so i can then get back down to nothingness.

I hate this fucking disorder, but i hate the feelings of being a higher weight more than i loathe this disorder so i’d rather fucking be emaciated. I told myself i’d be emaciated by this point in the year, yet due to my breakup i’m not. Due to my breakup i weigh MORE than i did when i came onto campus.

Fucking failure.

47. Brain Rambles

I finally actively pursued more answers as to what has been going on with me since the car accident this past fall, and i’m glad that i did. I apparently show a lot of signs of frontal lobe damage, and entirely too many (specific symptoms that is – when it comes to specialization) for it to be a case of PTSD from the accident.

The man who evaluated me offered to put the time aside to do a treatment plan and rehabilitation plan, to see if it helped with my memory and attention struggles as those were my two biggest problems when i went to him.

I’m just worried because i’ve been contemplating applying for disability – i know i should actually – but i can’t decide if i should do that through my injuries via the accident, or the secondary worsening in moods i’ve been experiencing since. To be quite frank, i don’t know if i can handle dealing with the insurance companies right now….and surely they would fight anything would have to cover – wouldn’t they be involved if i claimed my injuries were due to the accident and i spent a hefty time out of work? They would have to compensate, but that wouldn’t be disability? Who fucking knows.

Regardless i didn’t get the disability packet that was sent to me (it was sent back to my employers?) and they are likely ending my position soon, so i’m nervous.

The unexamimed life is one not worth living.

-Socrates

46. The Infuriating Attempts At What People Call Empathy.

People who think they understand infuriate me. People come in and out of my life thinking that they understand merely because they’ve struggled with depression or because they’ve ‘been hurt’. They don’t. I’m sick of people obsessively trying to connect how i think and function to their life. There are limitations to some people’s empathy, and i feel like a lot of people have problems conceptualizing that.

I always warn them that i’m hard to handle and a lot more complex/aggressive than i come off as, yet nobody seems to believe me until suddenly things are too complex for them to handle.When it actually comes down to the hard work of maintaining a relationship when things get rough, nobody wants to stick around. People always tell me that they’ll stick around, but never actually do. People are so quick to assume they can handle my intensity, and it often doesn’t take long for people to start boasting about such (I don’t open up to many people, but those i have an affinity to/end up opening up to tend to be narcissistic people). People want the benefits of my friendships/a relationship with me, without any of the elbow grease.

Honestly? I don’t blame anybody.I don’t expect people to be equipped to deal with me, nor do i see it happening any time in the future. I don’t expect patience, i don’t expect understanding, i don’t expect people to be educated nor do i expect people to be sympathetic. I expect people to treat others like that, but not me.

What i don’t think most people understand is that suffering has become a part of the ‘human condition’. Suffering is a part of being human. Suffering however, does not mean that you comprehend what it’s like to live in my circumstances, merely because i suffer in a way that deviates from the norm. I am in a tremendous amount of pain on a daily basis, and i kick life’s ass trying to overcome it. Sometimes it overcomes me,  but on a daily basis i do what i can to fight it with every ounce of me.

Some days are better than others.

Regardless, I continue do do what i can. It’s just so damn frustrating when  have people doing really ignorant things, like Googling my disorder and feeling justified to make statements about me or coming across people who are ABSOLUTE assholes, and use ‘but i’ve been hurt before’ as an excuse to continually be an asshole.

I have no tolerance for people’s bullshit these days, and especially when i work my ass off, only to be surrounded by shitty ass stupid people.

45. “Delay is the Deadliest Form of Denial” -C. Northcote Parkinson

The above quote really applies to the situation with my eating disorder. To be quite blunt here, if i don’t get my shit together with my eating habits, it’s going to one day be the death of me. Maybe sooner or maybe later, it’ll eventually be the case. I can’t remain in denial about the severity of what i do to my body, merely because i haven’t come up with any life-altering medical conditions yet. I’m smart enough to realize what i’m doing to myself – i don’t need  doctor ranting and raving to validate that. 

I need to remember times like this, when i’m inclined to embrace my eating disorder as a coping mechanism – times when i’m infuriated by the complete and utter lack of enjoyment i’m left with when it comes to food. I used to derive such pleasure and comfort out of culinary delights – albeit perhaps too much at times – but this is just sheer hell.

I hate it. I that my BPD gives me emotional horse-blinders that i have to work to take off: ones that leave me innately unable to see what emotions i’ve felt before, and the emotions i’ll be feeling in the future. I know that they’re there and i try so hard to remind myself of that – to remind myself of where these emotions come from and that i’m going to have different – more tolerable – emotions in the future, but it’s hard to remember in the midst of an episode. It’s as though whatever emotion i’m feeling completely dominates my brain.

About 25% of the time i’m angry at my eating disorder, and about 75% of the time i’m utilizing it as an unhealthy coping mechanism. That’s the problem – i’ve yet to find something better to replace it. So i feel as though i have nothing to fall back on, and therefore no rational reason to give it up. Looking back into my childhood i can see that i got by just fine without it, but even thinking about such has me riddled with worries, as when i was a young girl i developed horrific defenses to get by, as a teenager i would mutilate myself to no end, and as a young adult (now as i’m coming to accept as a form of control) i developed an eating disorder. It’s scary, thinking about the fact that i would have to go back to such.

My stomach is churning and my mind going a mile a minute – about solids versus liquids, guilt versus confidence, competency versus failure, calories consumed versus calories expended….it’s so hard to eat when my brain is running in circles, but deep down i know i have to do this. I know that getting better means giving this up, and day by day it means facing my ambivalence, finding reasons to get better. As of right now i’m having an incredibly hard time doing that, but i’m fucking trying.

It’s really hard to accept my past for what it was – vulnerabilities and all. It’s hard to accept that i wasn’t as safe as i thought i was, and that the consistency i saw around me was all a lie. It’s hard to accept that the people supposed to be my caregivers were so cruel, demanding, and lost themselves – when they were supposed to be unconditionally loving, supportive, and hopeful for me. I always felt criticized growing up, and as though i could never have friendships with people that were genuinely close – they always felt sabotaged. Secretive.

Nothing felt like my own, and as i explore that concept both in therapy and without the rose colored glasses of denial in my mind, i’m coming to realize that that concept applies to what i ate as well – it’s essentially the basis of my eating disorder. I never controlled what i ate. I never controlled my body – so it became the basis for my stabilization growing up, and for what i perceived to be my life. My success, my pursuits. I think i started to define my ability to succeed along those lines – by my ability to control my body and what i ate – after coming across a pro-anorexia website (as such websites correlate success and competency in life with weight loss).

Even when i realized the logical fallacies in what i’d come across – i couldn’t stop. The feelings felt too good, too comforting – much like the binging growing up. These were similar in the sense that i felt comforted and guilty – much like i do when i binge – but at the same time, it was a different flavor of the same feelings.

44. Identity: In the Dictionary, E(dgy) Comes Before H(ealthy)?

I’ve always had a hard time defining precisely who i am, even though the outline seems to be there. Sometimes the bullet-points are blurred by my disorder or circumstances, but the overall defining characteristics of who i am have always persisted. I have such a hard time defining who i am that i’ve found myself holding desperately onto my eating disorder(s) for a semblance of identity. Due to this, i’ve decided to literally make a list of the things that define who i am as a person, to reinforce the idea that i have an identity, and to refer to when i’m feeling as though i don’t have such.

I’ve actually been thinking about this a lot, since my adviser/professor last week told me that i looked healthy, then told me that my personality was rather edgy. It’s been bouncing around in my head a lot (I have a post sitting in my draft folder not yet completed about this, and after my therapy session tonight i figured i’d go ahead and make a post) and i keep thinking about the fact that he said i looked healthy before he said i was edgy. I know it was merely a coincidence as he said that i was sitting down for a meeting/evaluation, but i keep thinking about the fact that i want to be known for who i am – as a person – as opposed to my health status, due to my eating disorder. I want to be known for my edgy personality, as opposed to my health (versus being unhealthy). I’d rather be known for being edgy than being ‘healthy’ – in the sense that i’d rather my personality define me, as opposed to having my eating disorder define me.

• Athletics: In high school i ran track, and i was a dancer for 15 years. Naturally, i have a good amount of athletic potential, which is something i miss. I used to run and train an insane amount before my eating disorder and i miss that, which is one of the few reasons i take part in yoga now. I miss connecting with my body on that level.
• Animals: I fucking love animals. My adoration for animals started out before i  learned a lot – so my adoration started out illogical and i recognize that – but i’ll always have a soft spot for animals. The ‘zombie problem’ is what keeps me from giving up my vegetarianism. I’ve been a vegetarian for 5 (ish?) years now, and vegan on/off since.
• Body Modifications: I adore body modifications (piercings and tattoos). I currently have three tattoos and I’ve had eleven piercings. There is just something about aesthetics that is so pleasing to me – combined with the ability to express one’s self through their appearance. I know that some people are skeptical of it, but i merely see it as a bit more extreme version of cosmetics (which are also applied with similar, if not the same intentions).
• Empathy/sympathy: This can be a vice or a virtue depending on the circumstances, but i have this beautiful ability to empathize with basically everybody. I think it’s quite an amazing thing.
• Extrovert: I’m a huge extrovert, as long as i’m not in a setting where i’m talking about my feelings (aka group therapy, or therapy, haha). I’m really energetic, outgoing, talkative, and personable.
• Holistic health: I just have a huge interest in, and passion for this. Haha.
• Music: I have a talent in, love for, and will always have an interest in music. At times i may become a tad bit too obsessive over it, but i just love fucking love it. It has this beautiful ability to transcend the verbal veil in my life, and it speaks to me in a plethora of ways. It’s helped me to express myself, as a form of catharsis, as a motivator/inspiration, and as a means of connecting to others, in unimaginable ways. I started out dancing at the age of 2/3, and in the 2nd grade i started playing piano – something i came to find i had an affinity for. In 8th grade i joined the marching band and learned to play the pitt instruments, also learning the euphonium my sophomore year, which i continued to play until i graduated (also dabbling a bit in the piano again, and somebody tried to get me to play the trombone, but that didn’t go well, ahah).
• Painting: I also have an innate ability when it comes to painting, something that seems to run in my family as my aunt (who i’m much alike in a number of ways) was quite talented at it as well. I don’t do it often, but once in a while i’ll get these spikes in motivation to paint. I want to take classes when i get out of college to learn formally how to paint, as thus far i’ve never taken such and painted whatever comes to mind.
• Psychology, Behavioral Neuroscience and Neuropsychology: I’ve always had a fascination with the human mind, and i’m still not entirely sure which of these tracks i’m going to pursue at the graduate level. I have a natural talent when it comes to these fields, and i was absolutely ecstatic when i came across behavioral neuroscience and neuropsychology as i started out in college with the intentions of attending medical school, yet found myself drifting into the psychology department. They are truly the best of both words for me. I absolutely love what i’m studying, and i can’t wait to both further my education, and to start applying my education.
• Religion: I’m an adamant agnostic atheist, which basically means that i don’t believe there is an afterlife or deity, but i’m open to the idea that there is one, if presented with enough evidence. I know it may seem odd to not indefinitely believe one perspective or the other, but just like i don’t feel as though i have the inherent ability to say there IS a God, i also feel as though i don’t have the ability to say there isn’t one. That indefinite dichotomy is what caused religious extremism in the first place. I attached myself to a Pentecostal church at the age of 16, having a lot of really screwy experiences. I had experiences of religion before that – growing up in a Methodist church – but that is what truly opened my eyes to the insanity of religion.
• Sarcasm: WHAT’S THAT AGAIN? Yeah – i have a sense of humor, but it tends to be dry, self-deprecating, and sarcastic. ;P
• Sexuality: I don’t really have a label for my sexuality, so i merely call myself queer if people demand one. I have sex with the people i find attractive, and that tends to be a combination of aesthetic and intellectual factors. Growing up in a Pentecostal church i was discouraged from dating women, but since coming to college and being in a long-term relationship with somebody who was patient (i’ve had a lot of bad experiences sexually in the past), i’ve had a lot of positive experiences both sexually, and in relationships. I’m really grateful to have found my sexuality, as i’m a sexual person.
• Social Justice: Going along the lines of my empathy/sympathy i’ve also come to find that i’m really passionate about equality in our society….and that a lot of our society has a warped perception as to what constitutes equality. I need to educate myself more in this area – i’ll be the first to admit this – but i’m passionate about people truly being treated as equals, and being given the chance to lament about their experiences with oppression as true equality affords people the chance to talk about such (and recognizes that our society’s past includes a LOT of inequality).
• Volunteering: When i have the time, i volunteer a lot. I volunteered in a hospital for a few years in high school, and since coming to college i’ve been trained to volunteer for DVRT and SART. I’ve only been able to volunteer for DVRT due to the fact that i didn’t have a car until recently, but i’d like to change that. I’m really vocal about healthy, communicative relationships (ironically).

“I Love Myself”

Ironic i just came across this, considering what my above post was. This is my new anthem. Somebody in group therapy recommended Kendrick Lamar, and my room mate loves this song. I hope his other songs are this great.