It’s odd. Every morning i wake up with such bad thoughts surrounding food – the eating disordered ones that is. But by the end of the day, i’ve come to tolerate the anxiety (which is well documented; if you still with a high level of anxiety it eventually goes down and becomes bearable). I’m still engaging in behaviors like weighing myself entirely much more than i should, but my weight is back into the healthy range for my height (110), and it’s been there all week – meaning it’s not merely a matter of bloating, digestion, or dehydration. I’m finding that by the end of the day, my anxiety subsides enough for me to eat calorie dense foods, which is what i’m currently eating. It’s odd, because while it’s still irking me, not enough to send me into a full blown binge. The more i’m forcing myself to stick with this, the easier it’s getting. Day by day.
There’s an eating disorder support group i plan on attending tomorrow before my therapy session (which god am i fucking looking forward to as i have to much to process after these past few days), and i hope that i get something worthwhile out of it. If not, it’s still a helpful trip for me because it gets me out of my dorm, and i can leave early to the library (where it’s held) to focus on getting some more school work done, as i have to memorize all the areas of the brain, as well as study the psychopharmacology of anxiety disorders, depressive disorders, bipolar disorders and alternative treatments… on top of writing 2 papers. Sounds fun eh? Wanna join?
I made a small shopping spree as i was feeling lonely, isolated, and depressed today. So i used the little money i had left to get some groceries (and it ended up turning into a munchie-trip). I was delighted to see that the gluten-free limited edition waffles i adore were STILL being sold, as they’re no longer limited edition! I’m proud of myself for buying food that i normally wouldn’t eat – most of which were fear foods, as they would normally cause binges in the past (waffles, pasta,Starbursts chips, etc.). Like i said, they’re just munchie foods to get me through the week. I have a meal plan on campus i’ve been taking advantage of, as well as plenty of food already in my dorm room.
I’m proud of myself for eating, but i’m confused by the fact that i’m no longer experiencing such devastating emotional reactions to eating – like i used to/had for the past four years. Yes i’m still experiencing anxiety and compulsive urges, but they’re much more subtle and manageable than they have been.
It was hard to accept, but i may not be able to handle a live-in nanny position like my therapist and i thought would be a great idea this summer (to avoid moving back in with my parents or my ex if we worked things out), because my summer course schedule quite frankly doesn’t align with the job requirements. So i don’t know what i’m going to do, but until then, i’m going to work odds and end babysitting jobs (as it would still give me not only a great source of income and something positive/productive to do with my time, but it would also be a great way of me learning what healthy families function like). Since i can’t really be a full time nanny with my course load this semester, I joined Care.com and have been in contact with this family that just seems perfect, as they’re looking for somebody to help with their boys for the weekends. I’ve been placing applications for part time nanny jobs, as well as a few mental-health related ones (such as going out with a 23 year old female, meeting at Starbucks, etc. a few times a week to help her with her social anxiety), which i didn’t know was a sub-sect of Care.com! I’d adore either of the positions, but i’ve found a few ideal ones and i’m keeping my fingers crossed. I’m also calling the woman tomorrow about the weekend position, but i’m hesitant as her boys are two 5 year old autistic children.
I did just come across a site strictly for Nannys – ideal since Care.com makes it hard to find live-in nanny and they’re more so geard towards babysitting. Hopefully i can do some babysitting to put on my resume, for when i apply on the Nanny website. I don’t want to rule it out as an option, but it would be a challenging one. There is one couple who’s open for the idea of a work dynamic ranging from part time babysitting, to a full time live in nanny, so i’ve been contemplating messaging them!
I also contacted my old place of employment as i never received my disability app and they said they would call me -discerning since i haven’t been able to get a phone charger for days. I just hope i can get compensation for the time i was out, and the 26 weeks unemployment still as my night-shift has since been terminated within the company. I need to be more pro-active with that. Regardless i’m proud of taking the initiative to find a more appropriator job with my mental health situation (one that i feel like i’ll find rewarding at that!)
Oh. And even though i’ve been cutting corners like crazy (and i am STRINGENT AS FUCK with money) i’ve literally spent half of the 3,000 i had saved up, that was left over from my car deposit. So i’m freaking out and i’ve realized that i need to somehow force myself to get a job – even if at a minimal standard. Seeing how babysitting is often off the books, it’s perfect. I have thi compulsion around saving money and just watching it go go go go while my credit card bill goes up up up drives me nuts – especially since i was a self-sufficient woman a few months ago, paying her own cell phone bill, paying for her own car, gas, food, etc., and now i can barely pay for my own food, let alone the others.
I also decided this morning that i wanted to start working on the skeleton of what i hope will one day be a memoir, but for now i need to focus on my homework.
Fingers crossed! Time to go crash.
Oh wait. 5 minutes after this post i binged on an entire ball of mozzarella cheese. I haven’t binged – truly binged – in days. I was so proud of myself for eating normally but not binging. There goes that. Back to day one. Merely means i have an even higher goal to obtain now- instead of 5/6 days, i now have to hit 7 days binge free while eating healthy.
Borderline Dissonance 